How to keep in touch with friends who moved away
When you saw Sam every day, the friendship ran itself. Then he moved for work, and now it takes a decision to talk. Weeks pass without either of you noticing. Nobody chose to drift. There was just nothing bringing you together any more.
Two things keep a long-distance friendship going: a rhythm, and something to say.
Pick a rhythm for each friend
Not everyone needs the same amount of contact, and trying to keep up with everyone weekly is how people give up entirely.
- Every week or two for the two or three people closest to you.
- About once a month for good friends.
- Once a season for people you like and don’t want to lose.
Write the list down. Ten names with a rhythm next to each is a plan. “I should call people more” is not.
Make the reminder specific
A reminder that says “call Sam” is easy to swipe away. One that says “Sam, five weeks. Ask about the apartment search” is hard to ignore, because you can see the first sentence of the conversation.
Have something to say
The hardest part of calling after a long gap is the opening. “How are you?” gets “Good, busy, you?” and the call never gets going.
A specific question works better, and the best ones come from the last conversation:
- “Did you take the apartment near the river?”
- “How was the first month with the new manager?”
- “Is your dad back home yet?”
So after every call, write down one or two things he told you. Next time, that is your opening.
Short counts
A two-line message about something that reminded you of him is contact. So is a photo of the place you used to eat. A friendship kept alive by small messages is easy to pick up in person; one with a year of silence takes work.
After a long silence
Send the message anyway. Skip the long apology. “Thought of you today. How did the move go?” is enough. Most people are glad to hear from an old friend and have been meaning to write too.
How Wajed helps with this
Wajed is an iPhone journal with a page for each person in your life. On a person’s page you can set a rhythm: weekly, monthly or seasonal. When that much time has passed, he appears on the Today screen with how long it has been, and you get a notification if you want one.
When you open his page, you see what he last told you and any question you meant to ask. You can call or message him from there. Afterwards Wajed asks how it went, so writing down the next thing takes a few seconds.
There is no account, and the journal stays on your iPhone with a backup in your own iCloud. Wajed is free for up to ten people, which covers most people’s list of friends who moved away.
For the note-taking half of this, see How to remember what your friends tell you.
